It’s important to know that you will absolutely keep repeating patterns in relationships until you have healed what is inside of you that is manifesting a certain type of person in your life. We attract what we most need to ...heal, like a beacon we call to us the perfect mates to support us in healing through our past traumas (but the support doesn’t always present itself as supportive people! More on that soon). Think of a wound on your hand after a scrape or cut. The cells of the body call forth all the necessary components to healing. White blood cells race in to fight off infection. Blood platelets fuse together to begin creating a scab as the skin begins to repair itself. And often within a short time the wound is sealed and we resume function again in less serious cases, or we learn to function anew following more serious injuries. In life we have experiences that are registered as traumas: mini-traumas such as being ignored by Dad as we show him our artwork; or serious traumas such as witnessing abuse, being on the receiving end of abuse, getting into an accident or even just hearing the national newscast. And from that moment on our Spirit begins calling forth all the people and experiences we need in order to heal though the rips and tears that experience has left within our soul. A girl abused by her father will manifest abusive relationships until she has developed the confidence and self love necessary to attract a mate worthy of her love. A boy with an alcoholic mother will manifest situations where his needs are discarded and he feels abandoned until he deals with the subconscious belief that says “I am alone and have no one to depend on.” You see, the Law of Attraction is always working, it is even always working in favor of our healing and growth, the expansion of our soul, we just need to learn how to get it working in favor of our conscious desires. Those unsupportive people mentioned before are showing you how to stand up for you needs and giving you clarity on what you don’t want to create in your life and opportunities to set boundaries for what patterns or circumstances you will or will not allow.
So, yes our patterns show up for us again and again because of our attitude and our energy, not because of other people. And it’s less about having different expectations than it is about being radically self-focused. As we open up to really changing our pattern, being willing to do all it takes to heal through our past mini- and not-so-mini traumas we not only attract different relationships but the ones we currently have begin to transform and change. It’s when we heal these underlying patterns of our own that we see different results and that is when our expectations can drop away and we can open up to exactly what’s right in front of us.
Something to note is the human’s tendency to run. I believe this is the reason for so many divorces and failed relationships, they are not given the right amount of time, effort and energy to heal. Specifically referring to romantic partnerships, but applicable to other partnerships like in business or friendship, to begin a path of healing doesn’t always mean you necessarily need a different partner. Two things can happen: a. as you begin to change your partner’s energy will have to change to meet it, or else b. A breakup is inevitable. Either way there will be a splitting up of unmatched energies. It is Law. Because we are not taught how to do the radical self healing necessary to create and maintain healthy relationships we revert to our caveman instincts to hightail it out of any threatening or excessively difficult situation. I’ve seen it in my own life, the lives of my clients and read many stories, for example, of women who learn to focus on themselves and change their own reasons for being so hard on themselves and not give themselves enough forgiveness, love, patience, compassion and care which then turns into the ability to treat their men with more of this kind attentiveness and saves their marriage! Even those on the brink of divorce or domestic violence. (Disclaimer - leave physically abusive relationships immediately! Some relationships are brought to us because of a need to learn how to say “No,” to what it is we do not want in our lives and an abusive or mismatched partner may be brought to us to give us the opportunity to say “Yes,” to ourselves by saying “No,” to an unwanted or unworthy presence in our lives. But, if you’re experiencing violent tempers from your mate do look within at your own communication patterns to see how you might contribute to this dynamic. For example I used to nitpick and point out my husband’s failings or constantly offer to “help” him be a better person and this led to many blowout fights until I began to change.) Read one of Laura Doyle’s books on reclaiming your power and developing the 6 intimacy skills before you decide your relationship is over. It’s likely you can save a failing relationship through just your own personal growth work!
(Again I am not at all saying that abuse of any kind is your fault or that you are to blame or that you should remain in any abusive relationship ever. I am encouraging you to work on your part in why these relationships are present for you.)
If you are doing self work to make changes for the better and your partner’s behavior doesn’t change as well, or they refuse to work on their own contributing factors to the unhappiness in the relationship after you’ve been putting effort in to focus on yours then it may be time to move on. Occasionally we need to separate from relationship for a short time and return when we have done some growth work and this could be the case for you or your partner. We just want to make sure any separating we do is not done in a way that is a manipulation or control tactic, but rather as growth and self healing period of radical self focus.
When you heal through your own emotional inner imbalances that have occurred because of your experiences in the past you will attract different behavior in people. This may mean you attract different people all together or it may mean the people around you change to match the new healthy energy and attitude you now have. As you heal and grow your love for yourself changes and therefore your attitude toward others and expectations of how you’re meant to be treated will change too. So, yes, you will begin to expect different things and get different results, and this will occur only when you begin to give yourself a different kind of love.
She also asked: “Am I at risk for pushing my relationship away if I don’t give it breathing space and allow it to grow on its own? Instead of trying to always show interest should I take a step back and allow?”
My answer is here